Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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