i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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