I just cut my nipple shaving
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
