Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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