don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
