I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
