I'd wear matching sweaters with you
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
