"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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