Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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