I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
