I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
