I just threw up on my dentist
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
