if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
