My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
