you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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