Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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