Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
