I wanna bring you to show and tell
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
