The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
