cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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