Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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