My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
