He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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