come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
