I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Apparently you make a good broom.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
