I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
