Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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