We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
