I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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