Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
