So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
