she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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