I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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