Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
