I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
