Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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