I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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