my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
