we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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