Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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