I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
