Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
