mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
