I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
