I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
