I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
