is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
