if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
