we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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