We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
