I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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