he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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