Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
