my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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