I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
